For almost the first 2 years of Dilara's life, all visiting was done as a family. Then we gradually started spending more and more time with her being with one parent, then the other, and now we seem to spend only 2 hours a month all together. This is really a very sick situation. Even though I was divorced from my older children's father, we spent a lot of time together as a family until they got their stepmother, when they were around 9 and 10 years old. That is a huge difference than having to be torn from one parent and be forced to go with another when you are only 3 1/2. My younger kids did have that unfortunate experience for a few months during the divorce process.
I am so thankful that Dilara's father is so involved in her life. I am not in a position to be able to live with him even if he wanted to, because would not be comfortable with that situation when I still have my older children at home. There is no good way to deal with this situation. None of this would be happening if my husband hadn't divorced me and eventually married another woman. I know he would not have married another woman if I had not gotten so fat and unattractive to him. I will never be able to make up for that failure.
Not only have I screwed up my own life and the life of my children, even my ex-husband's life is far more complicated and less pleasant than it was before he married and was divorced by the other woman. I try to not focus on what is wrong, but sometimes I can't ignore it because the pain is too great. I really wish I knew how I could make everything better, but things are such an impossible mess.