I read a lot of a book called Sex and the Single Person while I was on the treadmill yesterday. I absolutely had to FORCE myself to get that exercise in, and the book helped me endure the time on the treadmill. Bob DeMoss, who wrote that book, was a 37 year old virgin in 1995. I wonder if he has married since then. I can't say that the book has helped me, but I did find it to be interesting and has given me some things to think about. It is nice to have someone know what you're going through. But making the loneliness go away is the trick.
This year will be the 25th anniversary of my wedding to the man I thought I would grow old with. I never imagined I would find myself celibate for YEARS at a time and not even having someone to kiss me or hold my hand or to offer his shoulder to rest my head upon as we watch TV together. I am a loving and affectionate woman. I want to love and be loved by a man. I want someone to grow old with. My children are such a source of pride and joy and although my older children aren't so generous with hugs and kisses, my 2 year old is always ready to give snuggles. However, the love and affection between one man and one woman is different.
Part of my problem is not feeling free to replace the men in my life who have" loved me and left me". I constantly think about all the downside of bringing a new man into our lives. If I didn't have children, and especially a toddler, I would not be in this position. I know there are too many lonely men out there and I know that somewhere within a 20 mile radius of my home there is a man who would find me to be pleasant company and who could ease this crushing pain in my chest.
I can't understand how people can walk away from marriage or find their feelings have changed in such a way that they can walk away from a relationship that once was so sweet and satisfying. I think all relationships have ups and downs and you need to just hold on and try to keep things good as much as possible. How can you throw a person away?
Maybe I'm too sentimental.
My therapist thinks I should not try to ignore these needs and feelings. I tried "dating" over a year ago and it provoked tremendous anxiety. I want to rebuild the relationship I had and make it better. I don't want a new man, I want a new relationship.