I have really been struggling with depression and loneliness lately.  I hate that my moods fly around every which way the wind blows. I have always been prone to depressive episodes, but the loneliness I have experienced over the past couple of years is really crushing to me.

I read a lot of a book called Sex and the Single Person while I was on the treadmill yesterday.  I absolutely had to FORCE myself to get that exercise in, and the book helped me endure the time on the treadmill. Bob DeMoss, who wrote that book, was a 37 year old virgin in 1995. I wonder if he has married since then. I can't say that the book has helped me, but I did find it to be interesting and has given me some things to think about. It is nice to have someone know what you're going through. But making the loneliness go away is the trick.

This year will be the 25th anniversary of my wedding to the man I thought I would grow old with.  I never imagined I would find myself celibate for YEARS at a time and not even having someone to kiss me or hold my hand or to offer his shoulder to rest my head upon as we watch TV together.  I am a loving and affectionate woman. I want to love and be loved by a man. I want someone to grow old with.  My children are such a source of pride and joy and although my older children aren't so generous with hugs and kisses, my 2 year old is always ready to give snuggles. However, the love and affection between one man and one woman is different.

Divorce SUCKS!!

Part of my problem is not feeling free to replace the men in my life who have" loved me and left me". I constantly think about all the downside of bringing a new man into our lives.  If I didn't have children, and especially a toddler, I would not be in this position.  I know there are too many lonely men out there and I know that somewhere within a 20 mile radius of my home there is a man who would find me to be pleasant company and who could ease this crushing pain in my chest.

I can't understand how people can walk away from marriage or find their feelings have changed in such a way that they can walk away from a relationship that once was so sweet and satisfying. I think all relationships have ups and downs and you need to just hold on and try to keep things good as much as possible.  How can you throw a person away?

Maybe I'm too sentimental.

My therapist thinks I should not try to ignore these needs and feelings. I tried "dating" over a year ago and it provoked tremendous anxiety. I want to rebuild the relationship I had and make it better.  I don't want a new man, I want a new relationship.

I am finding learning this foreign language to be tedious and I'm doubting that it is worth the trouble. So, to encourage myself along this line, I'm going to share some thoughts on why this is a worthwhile endeavor.

The sole reason I am studying Turkish above all other languages is so I can help Dilara learn some so she can speak with her Turkish grandparents.  I had a year of Latin in High School and some instruction and practice in German and it might be nice to develop those further, but the most practical language of all may be Spanish. Turkish seems to be quite obscure. Here is a link to an article I read that sings the praises of the Turkish language: http://www.ic.arizona.edu/ic/babur/whyturkish.htm but I remain unenthusiastic.

I do think it is important for everyone to continue to learn and stimulate their mind/brain throughout their lives. It is especially important for people who don't work outside the home, I think, to have an "outside" interest to work on so life seems less narrow.  I'd love to take a class in some subject, but my schedule doesn't allow it.  The last thing I worked really hard on was Real Estate business  training.  Taking online classes at my convenience does work well for me.  I am sure there are numerous online couses one can take in every subject imaginable.

I really had envisioned all of my children learning at a young age at least the basics of some foreign language and also some musical instrument. I have some Spanish and some French learning resources that I'll probably encourage Dilara to take advantage of later, but I feel a need to focus on Turkish right now. Benefits of being bilingual: http://www.actfl.org/i4a/pages/index.cfm?pageid=3651.

Resources I am using are www.livemocha.com (Turkish lessons are free!), Foreign Language Institute materials (like what I studied before the Army sent my husband and I to Germany), Pimsleur's Turkish cds (great for the car, and it is an entirely audio course, but I only bought the introduction--5 disks), and I just discovered a Learn Turkish Channel on youtube.com which looks like it will be helpful.

I am telling my kids that I know what they are going through...study and learning new things is HARD.  I think I am setting a good example for them by continuing to learn as I age.  Being a lifelong learner is a good thing.

I need to be persistent in this and not quit just because it is hard.  It will really enrich Dilara's life, I think.  Someday, I am sure she will visit Turkey,  and I expect that she will make many visits during her life. She'll thank me someday, for giving her an early start and encouraging her in the language.