Yesterday was a great day. Church, lunch at Captain D's (love their coupons) then rushing to the Adventure Science Center for about 3 hours with all my kids, then church again, then a cookout at friends from church (whole congregation invited). They had a swingset, a trampoline and "cornhole"--which I always called "beanbag toss", but it seems to be the alternative to horseshoes.  Apparently, my 12 year old son is quite good at it.

I have been picking a handful of strawberries every day or two. These are Tristar Strawberries and I don't know why they do so well.  I have never divided them (renovated) but have potted up the trailing baby plants, so I have several plants.

This is my garden spot. In the back is a earthbox with 2 tomato plants I need to stake up, an earthbox of Heritage raspberries, a (slightly) raised bed of Heritage and Logan raspberries (picked about 10 yesterday--our first ones. Dilara (2 1/2) ate them all), a 4 x 4 square foot garden with asparagus, mint, dill, green onions, and strawberries, and a few empty squares. I have other earthboxes with cucumbers planted; an earthbox of 8 bell peppers; one of lettuce and radishes; one of green onions.  Behind those is peonies, a butterfly weed, a rose, some phlox some stargazer lilies, an earthbox of assorted flowers (which desperately need dividing) of which daylilies seem prominent right now.In the front, there is romaine lettuce which has bolted and I need to get out; swiss chard--which I am growing for the first time and I love it; a squash plant (I just pulled out a bigger one that was actually starting to bear, but which squash bugs had killed and I am going to get some spinosad or other organic insecticide to deal with those before I replant. And a box full or strawberries which I planted 7 or 8 years ago with a few Tristar strawberry plants and I have hardly done anything besides topdressing with some fertilizer and pulling out dead plants. To the left I have a pile of bricks that has 2 window boxes full of strawberry plants and one of Autumn Joy Sedum which I need to get in the ground.  In the very front, I have 3 blueberry plants, to the left I have a fence with 3 triple crown blackberry plants, and lots of wild stuff growing. I should probably clear it out so the blackberries will do better.

This is some of the wild grape. I have been stuffing the leaves. Last year I also noticed this flower, or immature fruit or whatever it is that looks like baby grapes, but we never got "real" grapes. I keep hearing that grape leaves only can be picked when they are young, in the spring (like May and early June), but the vines seem to grow till frost, and so there should always be young, tender leaves.  I guess I'll be experimenting.  I would like to forage and pick lots of leaves to store, but I haven't had the time.

In the left corner of this picture is some poke weed.  I picked a huge bag a week or two ago before I cut my grass, but I finally threw it out.  I was going to blanch and freeze it, but I finally decided I wasn't going to get around to it. 

Poke Sallet is a bit of a pain to cook--I boil it 5 minutes, three times, each time changing water. Then  I put it in an iron skillet with butter and salt and add some eggs and scramble it all up and eat it with toast. You have to pick the poke that doesn't have red in the stems--usually you pick the tops, because the stem near the ground may have some red. Supposedly, poke is poisonous, but the poison is in the red parts, which I think eventually becomes red veining in the leaves, which is why you are only supposed to eat the young plants.

This morning, I made Dolma (stuffed vegetables) with wild grape leaves and swiss chard leaves from my garden. I am playing around with recipes.  I did rice and lentils (no meat) filling this morning.

After 3 years plus of being either pregnant or nursing, and many more years of not having good health insurance and drug coverage, I was hopeful that starting medication last week would be a turning point for me.
I had 3 good days last week on the Adderall XR, and thenI don't know what happened.  I kind of don't think it was a placebo effect, because the first day I took 10 mg. I felt nothing, but when I went up to 20 mg. I immediately noticed a difference.
I will spend the next week keeping more careful notes. I need to make sure I'm eating enough (the Adderall XR killed my appetite, and although I was eating, I need to write down what I eat to make sure I am getting enough food), and I need to make sure I"m sleeping enough.  I got GREAT sleep last night.. Dilara spent the night with her father, so I had the house to myself.  She is sometimes a restless sleeper and I get much better sleep when she's not here.
I also seem to be coming down with another cold.  I am sure that can effect my energy and stress level.
We also had a big storm front come in when I noticed I started feeling more poorly on the medication. It isn't consistent, but I sometimes do see a connection between my mood, my pain levels, and the weather.
I know it sometimes takes a while to determine the right dose or combination of medications to bring relief. But I started off so well and was so hopeful a few days ago, it is disappointing to see that it's not smooth sailing from here on out.  My struggles continue....

I was thinking this morning how as I turn 45 years old this month, I will probably be about 1/2 of my lifespan, barring illness or injury. I really feel like I should take better care of myself to look better and feel better. I am often embarassed for my children when I am seen in public with them.  I'm too fat, too messy, too stressed.  This shouldn't be so.

I read an article in a magazine at the Dr. office the other day about a woman who lost over 80 pounds.  She was older than me. She related how she would go to her "Silver Sneakers" workout class then go home and go to bed, but the next day she would get up and do it again.  Well, sounds like me, other than not consistently getting up and doing it again.

Seems like I can't go more than a few days of exercising without getting sick, having a fibromyalgia flare, being "out of the mood", being "too busy" or some other excuse to not workout.  This shouldn't be so!  On all but the most terrible days, I should be able to take 2 ten-minute walks, at least.

I need to be doing weight training.  I have a large collection of "The Firm" aerobics with weights videos that I think are really good, that I enjoy, and that I should be using. I have a YMCA membership, city-wide and if I'm not already beside a facility after dropping off kids at school, I have one only 2 or 3 miles away.  The free child care makes it totally excuse-free.

Okay, number one....start exercising DAILY. Or 5 days minimum. Daily is better.  I know that within 3 weeks, it will be habit and I'll feel weird if I don't get the exercise in. Today I will mow my front yard with my reel-type mower and I will finish weed-eating my back yard, and I will also do some resistance work.  I need to be stretching and doing some ab work at minimum on the days I do yard work.  Other than on days I do yard work, I don't think I ever get enough physical exercise in the normal course of the day.

Number two...I need to stop over-eating!

Number three...take a little care with my appearance.  It takes about 15 minutes for me to shower, wash my hair, brush my teeth, put on sunblock, and put on eyebrow makeup, eyeliner and mascara. I can spend 30 or 45 minutes once a week giving myself a manicure and pedicure and a couple of minutes a day of touch-up, and it will make me VERY happy every time I look at my hands and feet! I give up on trying to dress nice until I have lost weight.  Nothing looks cute on a 5'4", 200 lb. woman. But I should look in the mirror more and see myself as others see me and wonder what should be different. Now that warm weather is here, I'd best take care of my hair-removal more regularly.  My favorite method for underarms is MIM (cold "wax"), and my favorite razor for legs is Intuition, but they are outrageously expensive!! I won't be buying them without coupons, sale, or both! MIM is probably best for my legs, too, but I haven't the patience to do a good job on my legs, I tend to do the worst spots and finish up with a razor.  I think I'll leave my hair on my head alone for now, other than trying to keep it clean and neat. I will NOT be buying the cheap VO5 shampoo again. It may be $1 a bottle, but it's awful.  The Herbal Essence "Long Term Relationship" shampoo and conditioner are my daughter's favorites, and I really like them, too.  Used sparingly, I guess I can work it into my budget.  I never spend money on salon cuts or treatments or even products such as home coloring, gel, hair spray, etc.  I have toyed with the idea of using henna, but I think I'll put that off.

Number four...what about "cleanses"? I wonder if we have as many toxins as some people say.  I HATE the idea of enemas, especially since if I eat plenty of whole grains and drink plenty of water, I have no "elimination problems" (DRINK AT LEAST 3 BOTTLES OF WATER A DAY!!!!)  But the "dry brushing" and "colon cleanses" have lots of fans.  May be worth exploring.  I think a sauna/steam treatment would be bad for me, but maybe I could try at least a few minutes and work up??? http://www.drybrushing.net/   http://www.naturalhealthtechniques.com/HealingTechniques/Dry_Brushing_Technique.htm

Well, that is enough to get started with.  Mother's Day is tomorrow and my birthday is next week, but I might as well get started today.

Well, I have an appointment this weekend to get a prescription for Adderall XR.  My daughter is totally weaned from the breast and within the same 2-3 week period has also gotten potty trained.  YAY!  I have tried everything I know to do to get my life under control.  I feel like I simply haven't functioned like a normal human being for years. I have "always" had ADD, was hyperactive as a child, but I was never on medication for it. Until I had children, I feel like I managed pretty well.  I worked, had a husband, was chronically disorganized and often "spacy" and distracted, but not to the point of not being able to complete required daily activities.

I have a book called "You Mean, I'm not Lazy, Stupid, or Crazy?" which is about Adult ADD. The author cautions against women with ADD having children, as it complicates life with ADD exponentionally. After I had children, I also ended up gaining a lot of weight  (I probably gained 20 lb.between being 20 and being 30), getting  divorced, and soon after that I developed Fibromyalgia and Chronic Fatigue. I have always been kind of emotional, but over the past 10 or 12 years or so, I have really struggled with recurrent depression. I have actually been hospitalized twice for major depression. 

I am not someone who is quick to pop pills to handle problems.  I do suffer from migraines and I am thankful for the medications that help keep me from having to suffer too much with that.  Besides pain killers, I will take other medication if I feel like nothing else is working and I really need relief.  I have gone on anti-depressants several times, but I rejected the claim made by my psychiatrist that someone with my history would need to take anti-depressants dailly, for life. 

I was on Adderall XR several years ago and I did note that it had a calming effect, but I didn't notice that I got a lot more done when I was on it.  Maybe I wasn't on a high enough dose? My mother-in-law thought I had ADD before I was ever diagnosed. She told me about watching a TV show about a woman who was like me, who went on medication and it totally transformed her and her life and house.  I didn't have that experience, but like I said, maybe I wasn't on the right dose.  I only took it for a few months and I think I went off of it because there was no dramatic result and it was expensive and I had good days and bad days on it as without it. 

I wonder how I would be functioning if I had a loving and supportive husband, a great sex life, and no financial problems. I am convinced that a lot of my health issues come from stress, but I feel powerless to manage my stress any better.  So, I'm ready to take a pill, or a combination of pills to help me get through the next few years.  Maybe things will improve.  It is my hope that I'll only have to take one pill and it will help me focus and get organized, get my house in order, lose weight, not yell at my kids so much, and experience relief from the pain and fatigue and "brain fog"  from my Fibromyalgia. I felt like I was often walking around in a fog before the Fibromyalgia.  It is at least twice as bad now, with  the pain and the  fatigue that keeps me from getting things done are more than twice as bad as before.

I am thankful for the many blessings that I have.  Many, many, too many to count. Although I am not married, my children have fathers who love them and are involved in their lives and support them financially. That is HUGE. My children are all wonderfully healthy and intelligent and seem to be happy.  That is HUGE, too. I have a wonderful church family that I have been worshipping with for over 10 years. It is a huge source of strength for me. My ex-husband has never seen much point in church attendance and when he asks me, "What do you get out of it?" I don't even know where to begin.

I currently have good health insurance and prescription drug coverage. I don't feel like I have anything to lose by taking advantage of help that is available. I feel like my 2 older kids have turned out pretty well so far, despite all my problems, but my 2 year old will hopefully have a better childhood. She may not have a 2 parent household, either, but maybe I'll be able to do more for her as a mother.